Male Issues

I just got back from a therapy session with my counselor and I have a lot on my mind.  I thought it might help to write it out and think about it a little bit.  I'm loving my life right now, which is something I can't say a lot.  I have taken some steps in my daily life to try to boost my confidence and try not to focus on my weight so much, but have people see a more complex side of me.  These may seem like trivial things to some people, but I wasn't doing them.  I am learning to make more eye contact, to smile back at people, to say hello and goodbye to my co-workers, etc.  This in turn is making me feel a lot better about myself and my life.  However there's always this part of me that gets a little freaked out by men.  What I mean by this is when a man pays attention to me (besides the men in my life that I am close to) I get a little freaked out.  I don't know what he wants... why is he talking to me, what does he want, why is he looking at me??  I really start to freak out and I don't even mean to.  So I happen to mention this to my therapist tonight.  She knows already that I had an encounter with a boyfriend in high school who took advantage of my trust and love and forced himself on me, but I don't think that is the whole reason.  I mean, come on, yeah it still bothers me, but it was also almost 13 years ago now!!  So then she asks me, "What about your dad?  What's his role in your life?"  And then here comes that same horrible feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when anyone asks me about my relationship with my dad.  "Well, he is kind of just there."

Growing up my father dealt with more than anyone should ever have to go through.  He was adopted by parents who pretty much never acted like they even wanted him to begin with.  His father was not faithful to his mother and his mother made life seem like he was never good enough for it.  He really didn't have a great example for a father.  I don't want to make excuses for him, but I truly believe that his past is the reason why he wasn't that much a father to me.  Now don't get me wrong, he was there, but not emotionally, just physically.  When he did talk to me most of the time it was to criticize me or tell me how I could do things better.  When he was sad and depressed he was EXTREMELY sad and depressed and when he was happy he was EXTREMELY happy and there was never a real stable spot in between.  I was always so afraid to speak to him when I was younger because you never really knew which "Dad" you would get that day.  He worked to support me, took care of me, even put me through college, but he was not by any means a strong male figure in my life.  So maybe this is my problem with men?  I never felt like I could really trust my dad to make me feel better, or to comfort me.  I never felt like he wanted me to be a part of his life or learn more about him like my mom did.  

Now I hate to be one of those people who blames their parents for their issues because I know that I am capable of deciding my own fate and my own life.  Please don't think that I don't love my dad and appreciate everything he has done for me, but sometimes I just don't care anymore.  Someone like that is very hard to live with and deal with and it did make a huge influence in my life.  Men are kind of an alien creature to me.  I think that is why they creep me out a little bit.  We didn't talk much about what I can do to help these feelings get better, but I do know that I need to learn to trust men more.  My father is my father for my whole life and I don't get to pick another one or anything.  I don't really have a solution at this point, but like I said, I sure have a lot to think about.