So here we are in March and I've gotta tell you I am feeling great!! My stomach is still bothering me so let's start with that first. I found out I have a hiatal hernia which is when part of your stomach is actually up through your esophagus and when it gets inflamed, it causes pain. Mine is super inflamed right now and I am taking double of my stomach medication to try to help this go away. It is more exaggerated if I eat fried foods, fatty foods, chocolate, or caffeine. So if I try to stay away from these things, I should be okay right?? Well I am trying, I will say that. It will also help to lose weight, which duh, I could tell you that, but again, I'm working on that too!
On to my next announcement. Doctor's appointment at the beginning of March was another 5 pound loss. So I have lost 10 pounds total now!! Yeah for me! I also have taken up water aerobics which are two days a week for an hour. I love it! I need to incorporate some more physical activity in there, but I really feel this is a great start to where I want to be. So my goals for March are to keep up with the aerobics and then come April, I hope to see at least another five pounds gone away for good. I am coming up on my 29th birthday in two weeks and I know that it's now or never for me to have the kind of life I desire and deserve for that matter.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Male Issues
I just got back from a therapy session with my counselor and I have a lot on my mind. I thought it might help to write it out and think about it a little bit. I'm loving my life right now, which is something I can't say a lot. I have taken some steps in my daily life to try to boost my confidence and try not to focus on my weight so much, but have people see a more complex side of me. These may seem like trivial things to some people, but I wasn't doing them. I am learning to make more eye contact, to smile back at people, to say hello and goodbye to my co-workers, etc. This in turn is making me feel a lot better about myself and my life. However there's always this part of me that gets a little freaked out by men. What I mean by this is when a man pays attention to me (besides the men in my life that I am close to) I get a little freaked out. I don't know what he wants... why is he talking to me, what does he want, why is he looking at me?? I really start to freak out and I don't even mean to. So I happen to mention this to my therapist tonight. She knows already that I had an encounter with a boyfriend in high school who took advantage of my trust and love and forced himself on me, but I don't think that is the whole reason. I mean, come on, yeah it still bothers me, but it was also almost 13 years ago now!! So then she asks me, "What about your dad? What's his role in your life?" And then here comes that same horrible feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when anyone asks me about my relationship with my dad. "Well, he is kind of just there."
Growing up my father dealt with more than anyone should ever have to go through. He was adopted by parents who pretty much never acted like they even wanted him to begin with. His father was not faithful to his mother and his mother made life seem like he was never good enough for it. He really didn't have a great example for a father. I don't want to make excuses for him, but I truly believe that his past is the reason why he wasn't that much a father to me. Now don't get me wrong, he was there, but not emotionally, just physically. When he did talk to me most of the time it was to criticize me or tell me how I could do things better. When he was sad and depressed he was EXTREMELY sad and depressed and when he was happy he was EXTREMELY happy and there was never a real stable spot in between. I was always so afraid to speak to him when I was younger because you never really knew which "Dad" you would get that day. He worked to support me, took care of me, even put me through college, but he was not by any means a strong male figure in my life. So maybe this is my problem with men? I never felt like I could really trust my dad to make me feel better, or to comfort me. I never felt like he wanted me to be a part of his life or learn more about him like my mom did.
Now I hate to be one of those people who blames their parents for their issues because I know that I am capable of deciding my own fate and my own life. Please don't think that I don't love my dad and appreciate everything he has done for me, but sometimes I just don't care anymore. Someone like that is very hard to live with and deal with and it did make a huge influence in my life. Men are kind of an alien creature to me. I think that is why they creep me out a little bit. We didn't talk much about what I can do to help these feelings get better, but I do know that I need to learn to trust men more. My father is my father for my whole life and I don't get to pick another one or anything. I don't really have a solution at this point, but like I said, I sure have a lot to think about.
Growing up my father dealt with more than anyone should ever have to go through. He was adopted by parents who pretty much never acted like they even wanted him to begin with. His father was not faithful to his mother and his mother made life seem like he was never good enough for it. He really didn't have a great example for a father. I don't want to make excuses for him, but I truly believe that his past is the reason why he wasn't that much a father to me. Now don't get me wrong, he was there, but not emotionally, just physically. When he did talk to me most of the time it was to criticize me or tell me how I could do things better. When he was sad and depressed he was EXTREMELY sad and depressed and when he was happy he was EXTREMELY happy and there was never a real stable spot in between. I was always so afraid to speak to him when I was younger because you never really knew which "Dad" you would get that day. He worked to support me, took care of me, even put me through college, but he was not by any means a strong male figure in my life. So maybe this is my problem with men? I never felt like I could really trust my dad to make me feel better, or to comfort me. I never felt like he wanted me to be a part of his life or learn more about him like my mom did.
Now I hate to be one of those people who blames their parents for their issues because I know that I am capable of deciding my own fate and my own life. Please don't think that I don't love my dad and appreciate everything he has done for me, but sometimes I just don't care anymore. Someone like that is very hard to live with and deal with and it did make a huge influence in my life. Men are kind of an alien creature to me. I think that is why they creep me out a little bit. We didn't talk much about what I can do to help these feelings get better, but I do know that I need to learn to trust men more. My father is my father for my whole life and I don't get to pick another one or anything. I don't really have a solution at this point, but like I said, I sure have a lot to think about.
Agony
Wednesday, February 10th was a great normal day. I got up, went to work, went to lunch with two great friends and then had a purse party later on in the evening. Can't get much better than that... But through that great day I was having horrible pain in my stomach. It had been with me since Sunday night and was just getting progressively worse over the next days. Wednesday was the breaking point. After all the days events were winding down I started to feel like something was eating the inside of my stomach and at that same time someone was taking a knife and stabbing me repeatedly from the outside. At first I thought I should just drive home and put the heating pad on my stomach and go to sleep and see if it gets better. As I was headed home, it just got worse and worse, so I decided to head to the ER instead. Enough was enough! I went to Borgess up on Gull Road and was fairly surprised by how quickly I got in. After evaluating me, they had a hunch that it was my gall bladder and decided to do an ultrasound to see what might be going on in there. The ultrasound came back fine and so then they decided to schedule me for another test that would look at how my gall bladder functions, called a HIDA scan. I went in for the HIDA scan on Friday the 19th. Again they really haven't told me anything about what is going on. So here it has been two weeks almost of agony and my stomach hurting pretty much everytime I consume anything and I'm still playing the waiting game. My general doctor has to talk to me about the results for some reason - I don't know why they can't just tell you what is going on when you are in there - but I can't get in to see her until next Tuesday. Hopefully they figure something out. Now that this is the year to a healthy me, I'm not going to just settle for an answer of nothing is wrong with me. I will make sure to push my doctor to do other tests and finally figure out what is going on with me. In the meantime, I don't wish this pain on anyone. The results will be here soon!!
Monday, February 1, 2010
"Except for Monday which was never good anyway..."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
January So Far...
This is what has happened in January so far...
JANUARY 5th: I started off by going to my family doctor just for my routine yearly exam and pretty much broke down to her (well I should say sobbed like a baby) about my life and everything that is wrong with me. I told her all of the stuff that I felt I hadn't been able to share with any other medical doctor before. All or nothing right?? So she hooked me up with a brand new gynecologist and suggested that I see a therapist which I have never done in my life!! She also mentioned gastric bypass surgery, which scares me half to death, but I told her I would think about it and talk to the therapist about it as well. She started me on some new medications for my tummy which are working wonderfully and got some other *PERSONAL* issues cleared up for me and sent me out with an order for blood work and a referral to the therapist.
JANUARY 9th: I got an appointment with the therapist already! I couldn't believe it. She wants to know about me. I tell her all about my school and how I was pretty focused on academics except for when it came to boys. I tell her about my personal relationships with the boys and some of the not so great things too... whole other therapy session. I tell her my medical history and that most of my family (except for my very healthy 82 year old grandfather) is on the heavy side. After telling her all of my other issues she makes me feel a little bit better about my weight by telling me its a physiological issue for me, not just purely psychological. My body has a problem with its metabolism and the way I break down insulin causing me to have a very hard time losing weight. She says to me, "I could go down to McDonalds and order a happy meal and eat half of it and I would be full. You on the other hand would probably be able to eat the whole value meal and still not feel satisfied and it's all in the way your body is made up." I couldn't believe that someone was telling me for once that it might not be all my fault that I have gotten as heavy as I have. She helps me to devise an eating plan and tells me the importance of eating throughout the day to speed up my metabolism. I like this idea and decide to try it in my daily life. She also thinks I am the perfect candidate for gastric bypass surgery and if I want to have kids (which I think I do) she says I should get it done soon so I could heal. She tells me to check into my insurance and come back and see her in two weeks. This is an example of the eating plan that I have been following incase you are interested:
Breakfast 7AM:
1 Bowl of Cereal
1 Cup of Coffee
Snack 10AM:
1 Banana or
1 Apple or
1 serving of lowfat yogurt
Lunch 1PM:
1 half of any type of footlong sub from Subway - any kind, any toppings
Snack 4PM:
The other half of the sub from earlier
Dinner 7PM:
1 Chicken Breast and brocoli or green beans
Snack 10PM:
1 Clementine or
4 Oreo Cookies
JANUARY 15th: Today I went to see the gynecologist and made a very adult decision. It is not time for me to have a baby. It is time for me to get healthy first. Since I haven't had my period in four months she tells me about the dangers of endometrial cancer and also discusses some of the side effects of my polycystic ovarian syndrome which will make it hard for me to get pregnant anyways. She tells me that being overweight can put not only me at risk during a pregnancy but also the baby and several things could potentially go wrong at my weight currently. So I decide to go back on birth control for now to regulate my hormones and periods that are all out of whack and then she also puts me on glucophage - 1500 mg a day - to help with the insulin resistance and to prevent me from becoming diabetic. I am feeling good that I made that decision for now and I'm also feeling good to know what is going on with my body.
JANUARY 23rd: I am back in to see my therapist and I tell her that the eating plan is working great for me. Now it is time to talk about the anxiety that I am facing day in and out. I tell her that I just cannot shut off the worries in my mind, they are there constantly and I wish I could just turn it off. I also tell her that my insurance won't cover the bariatric surgery - bummer - but I feel like if I could get my self confidence up and little more energy I could do this on my own with good old fashioned exercise and eating better. She wants to help me with this and so first off she suggests that I get on a different medication for my anxiety because the 40mg of Celexa that I am taking currently is not helping me much at all. Then she says that Chad and I need to prepare less food at night for dinner and take all of the temptations (sweets for me and salties for Chad) out of the house and stick with my eating plan. I also need to try to incorporate some exercise as well and we talk about going to Curves again or even taking my dogs for a walk - who could benefit from this too. Finally she touches a little bit on my self esteem issues and she dares me to try a different image with my clothes. To not cover myself up so much and wear things that are way too big for me. She asks me a great question that really made me think: "How would your life be different if you lost 100 pounds?" My answer, it probably wouldn't. I would still feel just as crappy about myself as I do now. I realize that I am my own worst enemy and I need to work on it. The final thing she challenges me to do is to act like I weight 150 pounds for a day and try to monitor how I behave and how others around me behave... sounds like I have my work cut out for me!!
JANUARY 26th: Finally got back in to see my family doctor after all of this and I received some fantastic news... I LOST 6 POUNDS SINCE THE 5TH!!!!! I haven't even really done anything terribly different and I am amazed and know that I need to keep up with the eating plan. I find out that I also have a severe Vitamin D deficiency which is why I have been so super tired and sore all the time. The average level is supposed to be between 60 and 70 and mine is at 10. So she has me on some Vitamin D and I will probably have to be on it for the rest of my life. She also talks to me about my blood pressure which is borderline high and so I also have to take some medication for that - dyazide. Finally, she puts me on a different anti-anxiety drug: Prozac. I am supposed to go back and see her in four weeks and we will see what has happened from there. I like this monthly monitoring of my health and I can see good things in my future. They are going to call me to schedule a sleep study too so maybe I can finally get a good night's rest.
I am so happy with the progress I have made in January!! My next step is to incorporate exercise so I can feel like I can wear some of those more revealing younger clothes in my closet. Then maybe I can also have that smile on my face like in the picture up above. I love my family and my life for the most part and I need to be around to see it for at least another fifty years or so!!
JANUARY 5th: I started off by going to my family doctor just for my routine yearly exam and pretty much broke down to her (well I should say sobbed like a baby) about my life and everything that is wrong with me. I told her all of the stuff that I felt I hadn't been able to share with any other medical doctor before. All or nothing right?? So she hooked me up with a brand new gynecologist and suggested that I see a therapist which I have never done in my life!! She also mentioned gastric bypass surgery, which scares me half to death, but I told her I would think about it and talk to the therapist about it as well. She started me on some new medications for my tummy which are working wonderfully and got some other *PERSONAL* issues cleared up for me and sent me out with an order for blood work and a referral to the therapist.
JANUARY 9th: I got an appointment with the therapist already! I couldn't believe it. She wants to know about me. I tell her all about my school and how I was pretty focused on academics except for when it came to boys. I tell her about my personal relationships with the boys and some of the not so great things too... whole other therapy session. I tell her my medical history and that most of my family (except for my very healthy 82 year old grandfather) is on the heavy side. After telling her all of my other issues she makes me feel a little bit better about my weight by telling me its a physiological issue for me, not just purely psychological. My body has a problem with its metabolism and the way I break down insulin causing me to have a very hard time losing weight. She says to me, "I could go down to McDonalds and order a happy meal and eat half of it and I would be full. You on the other hand would probably be able to eat the whole value meal and still not feel satisfied and it's all in the way your body is made up." I couldn't believe that someone was telling me for once that it might not be all my fault that I have gotten as heavy as I have. She helps me to devise an eating plan and tells me the importance of eating throughout the day to speed up my metabolism. I like this idea and decide to try it in my daily life. She also thinks I am the perfect candidate for gastric bypass surgery and if I want to have kids (which I think I do) she says I should get it done soon so I could heal. She tells me to check into my insurance and come back and see her in two weeks. This is an example of the eating plan that I have been following incase you are interested:
Breakfast 7AM:
1 Bowl of Cereal
1 Cup of Coffee
Snack 10AM:
1 Banana or
1 Apple or
1 serving of lowfat yogurt
Lunch 1PM:
1 half of any type of footlong sub from Subway - any kind, any toppings
Snack 4PM:
The other half of the sub from earlier
Dinner 7PM:
1 Chicken Breast and brocoli or green beans
Snack 10PM:
1 Clementine or
4 Oreo Cookies
JANUARY 15th: Today I went to see the gynecologist and made a very adult decision. It is not time for me to have a baby. It is time for me to get healthy first. Since I haven't had my period in four months she tells me about the dangers of endometrial cancer and also discusses some of the side effects of my polycystic ovarian syndrome which will make it hard for me to get pregnant anyways. She tells me that being overweight can put not only me at risk during a pregnancy but also the baby and several things could potentially go wrong at my weight currently. So I decide to go back on birth control for now to regulate my hormones and periods that are all out of whack and then she also puts me on glucophage - 1500 mg a day - to help with the insulin resistance and to prevent me from becoming diabetic. I am feeling good that I made that decision for now and I'm also feeling good to know what is going on with my body.
JANUARY 23rd: I am back in to see my therapist and I tell her that the eating plan is working great for me. Now it is time to talk about the anxiety that I am facing day in and out. I tell her that I just cannot shut off the worries in my mind, they are there constantly and I wish I could just turn it off. I also tell her that my insurance won't cover the bariatric surgery - bummer - but I feel like if I could get my self confidence up and little more energy I could do this on my own with good old fashioned exercise and eating better. She wants to help me with this and so first off she suggests that I get on a different medication for my anxiety because the 40mg of Celexa that I am taking currently is not helping me much at all. Then she says that Chad and I need to prepare less food at night for dinner and take all of the temptations (sweets for me and salties for Chad) out of the house and stick with my eating plan. I also need to try to incorporate some exercise as well and we talk about going to Curves again or even taking my dogs for a walk - who could benefit from this too. Finally she touches a little bit on my self esteem issues and she dares me to try a different image with my clothes. To not cover myself up so much and wear things that are way too big for me. She asks me a great question that really made me think: "How would your life be different if you lost 100 pounds?" My answer, it probably wouldn't. I would still feel just as crappy about myself as I do now. I realize that I am my own worst enemy and I need to work on it. The final thing she challenges me to do is to act like I weight 150 pounds for a day and try to monitor how I behave and how others around me behave... sounds like I have my work cut out for me!!
JANUARY 26th: Finally got back in to see my family doctor after all of this and I received some fantastic news... I LOST 6 POUNDS SINCE THE 5TH!!!!! I haven't even really done anything terribly different and I am amazed and know that I need to keep up with the eating plan. I find out that I also have a severe Vitamin D deficiency which is why I have been so super tired and sore all the time. The average level is supposed to be between 60 and 70 and mine is at 10. So she has me on some Vitamin D and I will probably have to be on it for the rest of my life. She also talks to me about my blood pressure which is borderline high and so I also have to take some medication for that - dyazide. Finally, she puts me on a different anti-anxiety drug: Prozac. I am supposed to go back and see her in four weeks and we will see what has happened from there. I like this monthly monitoring of my health and I can see good things in my future. They are going to call me to schedule a sleep study too so maybe I can finally get a good night's rest.
I am so happy with the progress I have made in January!! My next step is to incorporate exercise so I can feel like I can wear some of those more revealing younger clothes in my closet. Then maybe I can also have that smile on my face like in the picture up above. I love my family and my life for the most part and I need to be around to see it for at least another fifty years or so!!
Welcome to 2010
I'm really not sure what happened to me this year or what caused me to want to change all of a sudden, but now it seems as if there's no turning back. I have posted a picture of myself on top of my blog to signify how I believe I looked when I was healthier and happy. I will be 29 this year... almost 30 and it scares me that I have not taken care of myself and I am not in the prime of my life like most twenty somethings should be. So now is the time to make these changes and my goal is to be healthier and happier by my 30th birthday. Realistic goals, realistic expectations, and baby steps. That is my motto for this year. Let me start you off with the basics on me. I am 28 and 10 months currently. I am 5'8" and weigh A LOT!! More than most people think I do. My blood pressure is high; I am pre-diabetic; I have polycystic ovarian syndrome; I have a huge vitamin D deficiency; I have irritable bowel syndrome; I have troubles sleeping and snore like a crazy animal; and I have severe anxiety and self esteem issues. However, I believe I can get better. Almost like the twelve step program, I have to admit that I have some issues and then work on ways to solve them. I have three professionals that are helping me in this journey to a healthier me: my family doctor, my gynecologist, and my therapist. These are the three women that I will be seeing on a regular basis to get me through this and of course I will be relying on my relationship with God and my family as well. So let's get this journey started!!
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